When I got a Tinder account my status regarding the LDS (that's the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or Mormon, in case you didn't know) became very apparent.
One of the first questions every guy will ask or will have on his profile is "Are you LDS?"
I get it. Knowing that you share the same beliefs with someone before you go out with them or consider them as a potential partner is important, but they don't even know how complicated of a question that is for me to answer.
And I know that I am not the only one.
When I was in middle school, I had an enormous crush on a boy who was a firm believer in the LDS church. I started getting to know him. We talked on MSN messenger every evening after school and were fast friends. This was back when we had dial up and still answered the land line...seems like it was so long ago. Religion really wasn't an issue between the two of us.
One night, he invited me to an etiquette dinner hosted by his ward. This dinner was meant to teach young men and women the proper customs and courtesies when you go out on a date. The Church doesn't encourage dating until the age of 16. This was just prep for the future.
After this dinner, I suddenly decided that I needed to go to church. That if I wanted boys like that to like me, I needed to be that girl. The one who can quote the scripture and attends all of the activities. The Good Little Mormon Girl. For my 9th grade year, I started Seminary. It was early morning and was hard for 9th grade me, but I attended every school day and I do believe I was better for it. I even went to church each Sunday for months. I went alone and I sat alone, but I went.
As the weeks passed on, it got harder and harder to attend church. Not because it became less true or my ward was bad or something. I actually quite like my ward, but it just felt...cold. The good feeling I got when I first walked in every Sunday began to fade and love I felt waned. Being that Good Little Mormon Girl I so desperately wanted to encompass started to feel impossible. It just wasn't me. I wasn't that girl. I stopped attending church each Sunday and I have scarcely attended since.
As I've gotten older and lived a little bit more life, things have changed. I've changed and my views of the world have changed and now I see things differently. I have actually gotten out of the bubble that is Utah and seen what there is beyond the Mormon Church. I am still struggling with who I want to be and if I want to give that girl who went to church every Sunday a shot.
What I do know though, without a doubt in my mind, is that if I drop to my knees and utter words of prayer, someone is listening. Over and over again while I was in training, I would close my eyes and pray for protection or strength or the will to carry on when I felt like I couldn't anymore. And somehow when it felt as if I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other, my pack would feel lighter and a breeze would blow through, cooling me off and giving me a second wind...I know The words of prayer aren't for nothing, so I guess that's a start.
